I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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