He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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