also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
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