just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
