I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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