i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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