my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My vagina is officially offended.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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