it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
