I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
