i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
