margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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