Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
