I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
