I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
