just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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