Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.