$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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