We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
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I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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