That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
