Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
