did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
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If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
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This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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