His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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