Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
