So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
