dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
