Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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