What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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