I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
