I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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