dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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