Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
