I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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