So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
