the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
