mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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