I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
