I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
