I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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