he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Randomize
