I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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