It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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