Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
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Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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