I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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