just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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