I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
