dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
