I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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