Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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