i don't like sucking hair
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
