if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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