my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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