my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
