Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
sex in a hospital.. check
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
