When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school