I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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