dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped