I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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