Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
