Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize