Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
